Thursday, April 17, 2008

Research Finds Dying Increases Mortality

Dying, whether naturally or by accident, is now presumed to be the leading cause of death, according to researchers.

A recent scholarly review of 60,000,000,000 deaths indicates that all cases of death have one thing in common: the individual, at some point and by some means, died.

"This is big news for the research world," says a researcher, whose next project involves linking human mortality with animal mortality. "If we can find even one species for which death increases mortality, we will be able to draw connections between humans and animals."

The experts in this study said it took them roughly 2,000,000,000 years to complete the analysis, but that the startling results were worth the commitment. "If we have saved just one death, then we will have done our jobs, and I can rest in peace," says another researcher.

When asked how humans could try and cheat death, a researcher replied, "Well, there's really only one way to decrease mortality, and that's to not be born in the first place." But he agrees that people might have a difficult time controlling this habit.

"I didn't have much say in it," claims Ima Heer, who says she knew she would expire one day, but until now wasn't sure how it would happen. "In a way, you don't want to know what will cause your death," she continued, "but I guess it's better to know that it's dying. I guess that kind of takes the pressure off."

Of the 6,500,000,000 people interviewed for this article, most agreed with Ms. Heer, but didn't realize the extent to which dying increased mortality. Some researchers claimed the analysis was flawed, but few could argue with the end results. "This opens up a whole new field of study," asserts yet another researcher. "Now we can really work on figuring out how not to be born," which experts say will drastically decrease mortality. "We're all trying to figure out, every day, how to not die. Now we're on our way. This is a very exciting time for science," exclaimed an expert.

The study's researchers are busy wrapping up loose ends, but will begin working on animal mortality and not dying very soon. In the meantime, experts recommend not thinking about how dying increasing mortality, and just concentrate on living.

Inspiration for the above provided by: CNN

There are a lot of dead people whose deaths were probably caused by dying. Many more so, in fact, than alive people: See?

1 comment:

Pauline said...

The paper can wait! If you've saved even one person excessive worry about how dying increases mortality by your startling suggestion to concentrate on living, you will have done mankind an immense service. Now excuse me while I remove my tongue from my cheek. (Where DOES that expression come from?)