Woman beaten by own emotions

In a bizarre twist to last Sunday’s incident, authorities discover that 35-year old Suzette Kewe’s surprise attackers were her own emotions. There were no obvious clues of the assailants at the scene, but detectives assigned to the case didn’t let that stop them. “It was plain old good police work,” says Sergeant Goodeye. Reports from detectives play out a tale that will ring familiar with many 30-something women. “I could hear loud music,” Kewe’s neighbor, Alice Wantsit, told police. “I’m pretty sure it was Stevie Nicks. Then I smelled chocolate chip cookies baking. That’s when I knew it was a pity party.”

Pity parties, thrown by women for themselves in order to feel worse about something they already feel bad about, are common, says Dr. Knowtal, head psychiatrist at F. Farm Medical Group. These parties usually include sad music perhaps reminiscent of past boyfriends, pints of Ben & Jerry’s New York Super Fudge Chunk, and several boxes of tissues. “These women should pull themselves together and get to a bar at this point,” says Knowtal, who recommends two to four shots of vodka. “But instead they retreat inward and lament. That’s when they can really get into trouble.”

And trouble is what Kewe faced when her emotions got out of control. “I think I heard Jealousy first, screaming at all the others about a friend getting married,” says Wantsit. Anger apparently sided with Jealousy at this point, which proved too much for Joy, who was overcome by the others. Happiness allegedly ran out of the apartment, and although Love put up a fight, it was not match for the overpowering Despair. Wantsit tells police she could only take so much and knocked on Kewe’s door to tell her to turn down the music. That’s when she found Kewe and called 911.

Kewe was unavailable for comment, suffering allegedly from what most would consider the mother of all hangovers.